How do I talk to _________ at Thanksgiving?

I’m just gonna put the thesis statement right up front:

The republic does not depend on your convincing your Racist Uncle that his vote for Trump put millions of vulnerable people in deep jeopardy. So start breathing again.

These mashed potatoes are so creamy. Source

These mashed potatoes are so creamy. Source

Do we need to take “politics” off the conversational no-fly list? Yes.

Do we white people need to cowboy up, educate ourselves and each other about our privilege, and amplify the voices of people of color? Yes.

Do we need to be willing to engage in difficult conversations? Of course.

But will our knowledgeable, impassioned Thanksgiving discourse compel our friends and family members to Change Their Minds and See the Light and join a prison-reform activism group on Black Friday? I don’t think so.
 

Dubious evangelism

I’m nervous about an emphasis I hear—in my own brain and conversations and Twitter feed—on talk, particularly on persuading. It’s extraordinarily reminiscent of the model of evangelism that I grew up learning in American churches—a model that depended on disguising emotional/intellectual shock-and-awe as friendly conversation. Some of the rules shared by American evangelism and progressive argumentation:

  1. Before you start a conversation, have your shit together. Memorize Bible verses/know facts about the writers of scripture, or memorize immigration statistics/know facts about cabinet nominees.
  2. Ask a leading question to “get at” someone’s “heart” : “If you died today, where would you go?” or “How are you feeling about the divided state of our country?”
  3. Remember throughout the conversation that its only satisfactory end is your interlocutor’s changing her/his mind to assent to your position.
  4. Once the assent is in place, remind yourself and the other that now her/his heart and feelings should be changing, and that actions will soon follow.
  5. Now that you’ve “converted” someone, feel like a rockstar, and tell your friends all about it.


But don't I need to stand up for what I believe?

[You post-/evangelicals heard that, right?] I find our obsession with "how to talk to ______" troubling for a few reasons:

It focuses on “to,” not “with.” I’m right, they’re wrong, and my job is to convert them unidirectionally. That feels arrogant, and arrogance drop-kicked us into this mess in the first place.

Nope.

Nope.

Not everyone is equipped for the Big Transformational Talk. In an era when many of us are relaxing into our introversion, it seems wild to expect that everyone who cares about justice can mount a Lincolnesque oratory campaign that will bring all relatives around. If you’re conflict-averse, yes: you’ll definitely find yourself uncomfortable as you begin justice work, because challenging power structures requires conflict. But: the world desperately needs your peacemaker-ness, more than it does your desperate attempts to browbeat or beg someone you love into loving someone you’re worried about. If the mere thought of talking politics with your family this weekend puts you into a pre-tryptophan coma (heyyy, 9s!), breathe easy: I’m not sure you’ll need to.

To some extent, this talk is performative. What we need right now is NOT more smugness. NOT more showing off how much we know and care about vulnerable people. NOT more post-holiday email threads wherein we celebrate each other’s bravery and report the nasty thing our brother-in-law said and how we responded in a tearful tirade, and now everyone’s madder at each other, but we just couldn’t not say something, and now at least everyone knows where we stand. Centralizing “how to talk to ________” implies that we are on stage / on trial / on call / on duty, and that our very identities as Caring White People depend on our nailing this one conversation.

Because…

We seem to equate talk with action. It’s not the same. It’s important, but it’s not the same. Talk gets people thinking; action gets things done. My family members have heard my bleeding heart on repeat for fifteen years. But they haven’t heard yet about the Green Card clinic where I volunteered, or about what a dorky civic rush I get from calling a senator’s office. They love me and care about my doings. If all I have to show for my political discontent is snarky comments about Trump or statistics cribbed from the Times—and my uncle loves Trump and refutes those stats—the conversation is a zero-sum game: I lose, he loses, and the cause loses.

If instead I report what I’ve been doing, he learns that someone he loves is willingly placing herself in contact with refugees and getting civically involved. And here’s the piece de resistance: if my uncle berates me for calling my senators, maybe that conversation feels crappy—but I’ve still called my senators. If we emphasize action over oratory, we’re never in a zero-sum game.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. I’m going to keep at that uncle. I’m not going to write him off. But if my post-election to-do list is 1) Read frustrated tweets about Trump; 2) Stand Up for Justice by arguing with family over turkey, I’m not making a difference.

However: If we listen to our uncles and take very good notes Thursday before bed, we’ll have a lot to talk about when we get back here after Thanksgiving weekend. And we’ll know how to move forward.


But how 'bout some scripts?

So, here's how I might approach conversations with loved-ones-who-disagree during the holidays. I'd love your comments/additions.

1.

ALL THE PEOPLE: [talking talking talking]

ME: [listening, taking mental notes]

[Scene]

2.

LOVED ONE: So, you’re probably pretty bummed, huh?

ME: I am, I’m worried about vulnerable groups of people in our country, and I’m trying to learn what I can do with that worry. Like last week, I called my senators about some issues, and I learned a little about the Islamic center in my neighborhood. Just to have some more information.

LOVED ONE: Chuh, everyone’s got their panties in a wad over this Muslim thing.

ME: Hm. Yeah, I've read lots of crazy stuff online. But you know, I love and respect you and would like to hear what you really think about that issue.

[Circle back to #1.]


Going Forward

So! In order to help keep For Love and Action out of the performance trap, I’d like to offer a suggestion for action every weekday, so we can work our muscles and get into the habit. Actions will range from self-education to speaking out to connecting with groups already doing the work. And to help keep us all motivated, it'd be awesome if you'd just drop a quick comment (eg, DID IT) once you've Done the Thing on a given day. (Or: does anyone know of another widget that we could use, like a "Did It" version of a "Like" button?)

For Monday, get those dialing fingers ready.

Citations:

Reflect, ScriptsMichelle Bard